Being a Wife

I met a wonderful new friend this summer at She Speaks , a writer’s conference in Concord, N.C.

Amanda Davison, The Wife Coach, is a beautiful writer with a heart for Jesus. She is passionate about investing in the art of marriage.

Please check out her website and Facebook page for the original article and Facebook Live interview that Amanda and I did. She is an excellent interviewer and so much fun to chat with.

Facebook Live Interview: Amanda Davison (The Wife Coach) with Katie Wilson

Check out the full post at: http://www.amandadavison.com/interviews-with-wives-katie-wilson/

Below are the questions Amanda asked and the answers God laid on my heart to share. Being a wife is one of the greatest blessings and responsibilities of my life and I pray that at the end of my days, God will smile and say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant!”

What difficulties have you faced as a wife?

Our entire marriage, Jay has traveled for his job. We went through years where he was gone a week, home a week. And we have spent about the last 15 years where he has had to travel internationally quite a bit, so the trips may be longer but more sporadic. His traveling was most difficult for me when our kids were babies.  I was extremely lonely while he was away and parenting alone was demanding and often left me feeling depleted and less than.

Also, navigating finances has not always been easy. We entered marriage with student loans and our first low paying jobs.  It was difficult.

Were there any unhealthy expectations you had going into marriage that you later learned were not helpful?

I expected Jay to be able to read my mind.  If I needed something emotionally, I expected him to know. When he was clueless, I would harbor hurt and sometimes resentment.

I also expected there to be no conflict ever, so learning healthy conflict resolution has helped a lot.

I also came into marriage very dependent. I only know this now after years of self-reflection and growing in my relationship with Christ. My dad died when I was 21, and I had been hurt in other relationships. Although I was saved, I did not live like I believed I had a God who loved me and I could trust. I had unintentionally put my new young husband (we were 23 when we got married) in the role of my father, my Savior, my best friend and husband. He is the most stable man on the planet but eventually he would have never been able to carry the weight of all my needs.  Our husbands were never intended to play the role of our parents or our God and putting them in that position only sets them up for failure and sets us up for disappointment.

How have you struggled with housework and/or differences in amount of work each spouse does?

For the most part, my husband has always been the breadwinner, and although he has never made light of the jobs I’ve had or the job of mothering our 3 kids, I would often feel as if I wasn’t a good cook, or housekeeper etc. Due to his travel schedule throughout the years, I have been the one who primarily does the housework but when he is home he has always been quick to participate. All that to say, we never divided up duties. We wanted to raise our kids to simply do what needs to be done. Don’t go through life thinking it is someone else’s job. If the dishes are dirty, wash them, If the dog needs food, feed him. If there is trash on the ground at home or the movie theater or anywhere really, pick it up and throw it away. That is kind of how we roll at home. Unless something is too heavy or we don’t know how, whoever notices first just does it.

In what ways have you struggled with intimacy with your spouse?

To be completely transparent, I expected our sex life to always be active, exciting and fulfilling.  I don’t think we realize how much we are influenced by the books we read, TV we watch, movies we go to or conversations we have but they can definitely kill contentment by the comparison that creeps in.

Over the past 24 years what I have learned regarding sex with my husband is this: TV, movies, and what you assume your friends’ sex lives are like, are not reality. And at the end of the day, falling asleep with a faithful, forever friend is where intimacy is birthed and it becomes a secret language meant for only the two of you.  There is nothing to compare it to, and it is something to be cherished and protected as sacred.

In what ways have you struggled communicating with your spouse?

Early in our marriage, because my husband travels for work, it was difficult to learn how to navigate communicating over the phone.  I am naturally very sensitive and avoid conflict at all cost.  I would get my feelings hurt and cry and as a result, did a poor job of explaining “when you do this, this is how I feel, and this is how I internalize your actions.” When it comes to disagreeing on issues, bottling feelings up and ignoring the issue does not work long term.

Here are a few tools we’ve learned regarding communication within marriage:

Never go to bed angry.

Talk regularly and intentionally.

Take the words ALWAYS  and NEVER off the table.

Read Rising Strong by Brene Brown.

Assume the best.

Have regular date nights where you continue to rediscover one another.

Keep dreaming together.

Prioritizing a healthy marriage is one of the best examples we can give our kids.

Counseling is never a bad thing, go when everything is good can sometimes be the best gift you could give one another.

If you could do the season over with young kiddos, how would it look different?

I would never stress about a birthday party. I would have wrapped up pots and pans and given those on Christmas morning until they were like…4. I would have given myself a lot more grace. I would not have worried what other people thought. I would have used nap times to devour God’s Word. With a traveling husband, I would have spent less time drinking wine with girlfriends at bunko and used those babysitters for time to go write, paint, read, run, had coffee with a close friend, or sought out older women to mentor me and show me how to grow in my relationship with the Lord. I would have slowed down, not put the kids in so many activities, and savored the little things more.

What do you see young wives struggling with today? What do you wish they knew?

Comparison is wreaking havoc on contentment. Body image is brutal, insecurities seem insurmountable, quality friendships can be lacking, filling voids with unhealthy people or habits becomes natural, and looking for what they want to hear over what they may need to hear. Social media can steal real live moments.

I want wives to know:

GOD LOVES YOU AND IF NOTHING ELSE THAT IS MORE THAN ENOUGH!

Pursue a relationship with Christ starting now and never stop!

You are amazing and You are doing a good job,

You are loved and you are beautiful.

You don’t have to be everything to everyone.

You are not invisible.

You are worthy, not because of what they do or don’t do, but because of who you are, a fearfully and wonderfully made daughter of the King.

Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt, assume the best, forgive quickly,

Find an older woman, someone who has walked a little longer than you and soak up their love and wisdom.

Slow down.

When it comes to friendships, invest in quality, not quantity.

Date your husband forever.

Don’t forget to laugh.

Stay a lifelong learner.

It is never our job to humble our husband. Be your spouse’s biggest encourager. Prioritize your personal relationship with the Lord, communicate with God on a regular basis, above all else! And the relationship you will have with your husband will flow through the filter of Christ’s love.

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